Being pregnant is hard

Preface:

these are my thoughts that I really want to remember. 

That being said it may read like a sob story.

You've been warned.

Being a mother is my favorite thing I have found on earth. Bottom line. I knew after Brig I wanted more babies. We we're lucky enough to get pregnant this time when we wanted to. I have always wanted my babies close. In my opinion siblings are the greatest gift we can give our children and I l-o-v-e being only 16 months apart from Brooke. It has shaped me, and most the time I like me.

Having said all that, I can not believe how incredibly hard this pregnancy was. This coming from someone who has text book pregnancies too. Two years apart for kids sounded perfect but being pregnant with a under 2 year old kicked my butt. I never once worried I wouldn't be able to share my love with another child or wondered if the timing was right for another child. What plagued me constantly was that having another child was a sacrifice of the quality of my mothering to Brig. I couldn't help feel like Brig was who was suffering. 

I was tired all the time. By 30 weeks I didn't feel like I could move. Even before that I would let anyone haul Brig for me if they offered. I kept telling myself that I needed to save up all my "free pass" cards for when the baby got here and I would really need them. So I tried to soldier on as best I could. 

There were a few circumstances that made things a little shaky for me in the end. In December I got called as the Young Women's president of our ward. I love the calling and accepted willingly but that and being a wife and mother was hard and nothing is worse to me then feeling like I am doing a bad job. I can't tell you how many times I told Nate I was sorry I was just sucking at life. But really, I was. Lots of TV for Brig, orneriness to the people I serve with, no dinner being made, messy house, Nate doing all the child rearing in our home etc. etc.

And Brig.... Oh how I love that boy but ohhh how he wouldn't listen. The problem with a just under 2-er is that they are capable and independent but really bad listeners. Brig wanted to walk and do everything himself but if he was approaching something dangerous  (i.e. the road) he wouldn't listen at all. Discipline was futile. I reached an all time low about 37 weeks when I got stuck 5 houses away from home. I let him take his little racer car on a walk down the street. The problem was, when it was time to turn back and go home Brig thought otherwise. He wanted to chase the cat into the neighbors house. Here I am huge and pregnant and not able to chase him and carry him home plus the racer, him not caring if I walk away, a street between us and home, and I just broke down. Cried my eyes out on the street. We did eventually make it safely home, but I think I will remember that for always. 

Bottom line, this pregnancy I felt like I was doing a bad job at everything. 

Then I had that awful experience with the deliver.

Them it was all over.

I got the most beautiful perfect baby.

And he is so much easier outside my tummy. Life is so much easier not being pregnant.

Hindsight? Those free passes were needed weeks before I had a baby.

Now that I am un-pregnant I just want to say.

Being pregnant is HARD!

But how soon I know I will forget it all for this!